5.31.2005

May 31, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Your vice president today promised that our time in Iraq would come to an end--in 2009. By then, my son will be four years old. Think of the four-year-olds in Iraq then, children that have known nothing but your war. Will they know that it is over? Or will they only be starting to fight it?

Dan

May 30, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

A month ago today, Roosevelt was born. He's grown so much, become so much more alert and active and engaged in the world, over that month it's just staggering. And even though I can look at a calendar and see the days that have passed, it truly feels like he's been with us forever.

Dan

May 29, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Doing yard work this morning--the sweat running down my face, hands black with soil and bleeding from thorns on the shrub I was pruning--I felt alive.

Dan

May 28, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

"You seem to have gotten behind in your letters," my dad said to me today. And it's true, Mr. Bush, and I apologize, but I'm juggling a lot right now and you'll just have to be caught up when I can find the time.

Talk to you soon,

Dan

May 27, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

The nights are long ones, made ever longer by working all day. The middle of the night is not the time for babies to be awake--but it seems that no one has ever told them that before. And we suffer through them, one after the other, holding on only by the continual reminders from friends and family that it does get better.

Dan

May 26, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Janice's folks came in from out of town today, adding to our life's already hectic balance.

Dan

May 25, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Since my son was born, 58 US soldiers have died in Iraq. They're saying that May is on pace to being one of the deadliest in the war so far. I wonder, sometimes, how I'll explain these deaths to my son years from now. What do I say?

Dan

May 24, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Well, one day back and I've already ditched out on work today. The night was a rough one, with Roosevelt waking every hour for the duration, and after our pediatrician's appointment at noon (ten pounds, six ounces), I was just too tired to get back behind the desk. Instead, the afternoon was spent with my son sleeping on my chest.

Dan

May 23, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Well it was hard: going back to work, tearing myself away from the idyllic hours spent playing and dancing and changing diapers. It was hard, yes, but it had to happen. And once I got there and got started climbing the mountainous pile of tasks on my desk, it felt pretty good.

Dan

5.22.2005

May 22, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

And so my time at home is coming to a close, with today flashing by in an instant and the slow burn of reality creeping into my conscious at every turn. What follows for me, for Janice, for our family will be different, but it's been an amazing time while we've had it. There are so many who can't take this kind of time off to spend with their tiny, fragile children, and so I know I'm very lucky to have had the time that I've had, but it still breaks my heart to even think about leaving tomorrow.

Dan

May 21, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

"This is what I dreamed about for so long," Janice said wistfully, as the sun beat down on us--me, her, the kid, and our dog--as we kicked a soccer ball to Lucy. We drove an hour to be at this amazing dog park in a wealthy northern suburb of Chicago--a car ride exponentially longer than Roosevelt's experienced so far--because Janice had been visualizing it throughout her pregnancy: the family together in the warm summer sun playing with the dog and the baby in this immaculate parkland. And even though the drive was long and the baby got cranky on the way home and Lucy's getting older and doesn't have the stamina she used to, it was exactly perfect. And it's funny because you work so hard to arrive at these sorts of moments--these moments where everything feels right and balanced and whole--but you so rarely remember to appreciate it. But today, without a cloud in the sky to disrupt the moment, we did.

Dan

May 20, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

There are moments, like at lunch today--cracking jokes with Janice and a friend across the table, drinking iced tea and eating egg salad, Roosevelt sleeping in his car-seat amid the lunchtime bustle of a popular cafe--where this family thing feels easy and natural. And then there are moments, like in the middle of the night last night--fighting to stay awake on a chair next to his crib, watching him kick his legs endlessly, hoping to buy just a few more minutes for Janice to sleep--where it feels like the hardest thing in the world.

Dan

May 19, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

"My god, he's grown like a weed!" exclaimed our midwife today, as we brought Roosevelt into the office for a postpartum visit. She hadn't seen him since we left the hospital and was amazed at how much bigger he is. "Well obviously you're over the feeding issues," she chided Janice, as she held our growing child. And ever since that visit, Mr. Bush, I've been so conscious of just how much he has grown and continues to grow every day. It can be the increasing chubbiness of his legs or the way he struggles less and less to focus his eyes, but every time I look at him he seems to have changed. And it makes the reality of going back to work in so few days all the more painful to face.

Dan

May 18, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

We've taken to sleeping on the couches--it's the only way Roosevelt will rest soundly, even if it's not the most comfortable option for us. After sleepless night after sleepless night, it's the only thing we've found that will give us even fleeting rest. It's funny: all these things you imagine before your child is born quickly get shunted aside for what simply works. So for us, the security and closeness of the family bed--all of us cuddled together touching softly and sweetly as the night passes by--has been replaced by the sweaty, cramped reality of folding your body onto a couch half your size--a kicking, thrashing body clutched closely next to you--in the name of a good night's sleep.

Dan

May 17, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Suddenly, in the last week that I'll be spending the days with my son, time has shifted into fast-forward. You look out the window and cars drive by at twice their speed, people move in and out of their houses in that jerky, double-time action of old-time movies, the sun rises and sets and flowers open and close with the halting motion of public television science shows. You see it all race by in front of you, and you stand there powerless to do anything but watch it slip away.

Dan

5.16.2005

May 16, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

"Our baby stinks," I said this morning, carrying Roosevelt in from another changing.

Janice leaned in and sniffed. "Oh no, we have the smelly kid," she said, laughing, "we have Pigpen."

He really did smell, Mr. Bush, an ancient, weird, fishy scent that emanated from his umbilical cord stump, a stump that had been slowly getting grosser every day.

By afternoon, the scent was unmistakable. "Why does he smell so weird?" our friend Searah, who had stopped by for a brief visit, remarked.

With each diaper change the smell seemed to get stronger, and his cord more distended and strange. Until finally, this evening, it fell off. And with that, our little newborn turned into something not quite as newly born, someone older and sturdier and more autonomous.

Also, he smelled better almost immediately.

Dan

May 15, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

The days fold into each other now, nights lasting until four or five, days starting at eleven or twelve. The whole day exists in some kind of non-time, too awake to sleep, to tired to do anything.

Dan

May 14, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

A bleary-eyed Saturday, the entire family sleeping until eleven in the morning, the rest of the day spent in a fog.

Dan

May 13, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

When the girls were newborns, how well did they sleep? Because ours seems to be fond of staying up all night and sleeping all day. Friends who have babies talk about the lack of sleep that comes with these early days and weeks, but all of them seem to speak of frequent feedings keeping them up at night, not simply a child so awake you couldn't possibly think about getting any shut eye. It's a schedule that neither Janice nor I are able to adapt to--trying to sleep when every bone in your body wants to be awake--and as a result, we're hardly sleeping at all.

Dan

5.13.2005

May 12, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Today three more soldiers died in Iraq, three more among an upswing in violence that has all corners of the country in flames. Today marked 1,614 service-people dead since the war's start, a number that seems both too large and too small all at the same time. And today the war continued, a war without end.

Dan

May 11, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

It was the first day back teaching my class since Janice's achingly slow labor started over two weeks ago. I was behind in grading papers, jacked up on far too little sleep, and left half my notes at home, but I got back in the classroom and it felt like I hadn't been gone at all.

Dan

May 10, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

An image I will hold on to forever: Today, in the park, a blanket spread out below us, me tossing a frisbee to the dog, Janice cross legged and breast-feeding, the warm spring sun shining down on our funny little family, all of us still so unclear in our roles.

Dan

May 9, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

We've fallen into a comfortable routine now--feeding, changing diapers, sleeping--and it fills the day more than one could imagine. It's hard to envision getting much more than that done, yet the iridescent light of reality and responsibility is beginning to seep in through the cracks. There is work that is not getting done, bills that are not getting paid, life that is not being lived. But for now, we'll block that light for as long as we can.

Dan

5.10.2005

May 8, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

You may have thought I'd forgotten--and seeing how caught up I've been in the new parent thing, that's probably an understandable mistake--but I haven't: people are still dying in Iraq. Just this weekend there have been seven service-people killed, along with countless Iraqis. How many mothers are celebrating today without their sons, lost in a war you seem to have lost interest in.

How many?

Dan

5.09.2005

May 7, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

"A week ago right now, I was pushing," Janice said softly, still half asleep this morning around six. Two hours later, she'd be woken up again by our baby's soft calls, and she'd say it again: "A week ago, I was still pushing." We laughed, knowing that it would still be another hour before we could quietly wish our son a happy week-old birthday.

She pushed for hours Mr. Bush, and still, a week later, it's amazing to me that she could do it. After six days in labor, after well over 24 hours in active labor, and after false starts and dead ends, Janice began to push our son out--without the aid of drugs--in what was expected to be the last moments of a very long night. But those moments grew longer, as, in spite of her strong pushes, our baby's progress down the birth canal was slow--in fact, it was almost non-existant. As Janice would push, our baby would move down, but then, when she would let up, he would move backwards, negating most of the forward momentum the pushes were making. "It's like he's moving up three and back two," our midwife said, perplexed. In addition, his heart was being affected by the pushes more than was expected and needed constant monitoring.

After about an hour of pushing and watching his heart rate plunge and slowly recover, our midwife said, "There's something funky with that cord." She suggested getting him down low enough to do a forceps birth, and for the third time tonight her OB backup was called into the room. But because of the impossibly slow progress due to the back-and-forth pushes, he was still not low enough to grab with forceps, and so Janice pushed some more and we waited.

It continued like that, Mr. Bush, for what felt like an eternity: Janice slowly passing out between contractions, the incessant beep, beep, beep of the baby's heart monitor both reassuring and nerve wracking all at the same time. But due to her insistence on not giving up, Janice forced that baby down, even though he kept mysteriously moving back up. What began as two pushes per contraction slowly grew to three, which blossomed into four, and, by the end, she was giving five massive pushes per contraction with little more than a tiny breath between. The forceps were abandoned as her own power began to show real progress.

And it worked. She fought bizarre reverse motion, and slowly, painfully, our son was born one week ago this morning.

It has taken much of the week to be able to tell the story without crying, Mr. Bush, because there were so many points where it seemed things would not turn out well (and, in fact, they wouldn't have: the backwards momentum was our baby's own unusually short umbilical cord pulling him back up the birth canal--a cord that probably would have ripped had forceps been used). But this morning, one week later, we lay in bed and marveled not at what might have been, but instead at what was. "Happy Birthday, Roosevelt," we whispered and stroked his downy soft hair.

Dan

May 6, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Things progress exponentially, Mr. Bush, that's what I've been learning. We've gone from a child who won't eat, who sleeps all day, slowly getting thinner, to a child who wants to eat every hour or so--all this in about 24 hours time. Watching a kid grow like this is unreal. As our days stretch out into round-the-clock schedules, there still doesn't seem to be enough time in a day to see how much he's changed.

Yours,

Dan

5.07.2005

May 5, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

After good news at the doctor's today, we emerged, squinting, into the warm mid-spring sun. Everything was light and effervescent, as if the whole world had taken on the soft glow that warmed our hearts when we were told that our tiny, fragile son had gained seven ounces overnight and was doing just fine.

Yours,

Dan

5.05.2005

May 4, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

Survival is important these days and Janice and I are making due as best we can. Roosevelt is feeding better every time we sit down with him, but the stress and structure of a desperately rigorous feeding schedule has made it so, well, we forget to feed ourselves.

A friend brought over lasagna last night and it's been the only thing sustaining us since: Lasagna sandwiches for lunch, lasagna and salad for dinner--I'm even considering mixing it with eggs for breakfast.

This is how it is, these first hesitant days: you make due as best you can. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you don't bathe--and you don't care.

Dan

May 3, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

There's confusion in the food supply: Roosevelt won't eat. He's dehydrated and turning yellow from jaundice that could be cured by a few good bowel movements, but he puts up a fight every time he's brought to the breast. It has us all in a panic, even tiny Roo, who wants nothing more than to eat, but can't seem to figure out what he's doing.

All three of us spent last night in tears of frustration and worry, and this morning we went to the pediatrician to learn that Roosevelt has lost more weight, his jaundice is getting worse, and that we need to get this feeding problem under control. As I carried our son off to get his heel pricked for more blood to be drawn, the pediatrician consoled Janice and offered to send in their in-house lactation consultant to help. Yes please.

"He's really a fighter, isn't he," the lactation consultant said, as she struggled to find a position that Roosevelt wouldn't battle against. She was like a drill sergeant, calling out orders to Janice and me, grabbing the baby and thrusting him this way and that, trying to establish a good latch. Finally, in frustration as much as anything else, she hands him back to us, and says "I'll be right back."

She emerges with a thick syringe, a length of IV tubing, and a bottle of formula. "This is what I call a jump start kit," she says, "and Dad, you now have a job to do." She explains the operation: bring the baby to the breast and, as he struggles against it, hit him with a shot of formula to force him to drink. The action of slurping down the sudden mouthful of formula, if done in the right place and at the right time--"dumb luck," she explained--might cause him to start feeding off the breast.

And so the we flooded the formula this way and that, while trying to keep Roosevelt's flailing arms from pushing him away, and finally, suddenly, he latched on and drank, deep and long, from Janice's breast.

Yours,

Dan

May 2, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

"I don't know how I can ever thank you enough," I said, tears streaming down my face, as we said goodbye to our midwife, whose brief examination of Janice was the last hurdle before we could go home today. "There were so many times on Friday night that I worried about what would happen, and all I could do was know that you were there and that I trusted you completely," I continued, fighting a losing battle to regain my composure. "I can't think of anything I can ever do to repay you for what you've given me: a family."

"Dan," our midwife responded, her own gentle demeanor melting into tears, "all you need to do is raise your son to be a good person the best way you know how, that's enough." And we hugged, standing over my tiny, fragile son's bassinet, Janice crying on the bed next to us, knowing that in just a few hours we'd be driving back to our home, safe and secure thanks to the incredible work and compassion of this one woman.

To Kathy,

Dan

May 1, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

There's confusion in the food supply: Janice ordered roasted chicken but got ham and cheese. The food service people at the hospital have yet to get a meal right, even though they enter your order on a Palm Pilot. Order chicken and get ham. Order a sandwich and get pasta. Order ice cream and get pudding. Working on no sleep, you begin to wonder if it's you: Did you actually order Italian dressing even though you remember ordering ranch? Would you possibly have said coffee instead of cranberry juice?

This is life in the hospital: You are not in charge. You wake up when they want you to wake up, groggily following your son's bassinet as the night nurse wheels it down to the nursery, all the while insisting that you "don't need to come along if you don't want to, sir." You eat when they tell you to eat, you have visitors when they tell you it's OK, and you leave when they say you can leave. We can't leave yet, and so we order another meal and wait to see what they get wrong this time.

Dan

5.03.2005

April 30, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush,

At 9:12 this morning, after a very long night and a very difficult delivery, our son, Roosevelt Owen, was born. He came into this world thanks to the sheer will of his exhausted mama, a woman I will always look upon with awe after this lengthy and arduous labor, a woman who would never quit no matter how many unexpected turns this birth took.

This is a tale I will share with you later, because I am simply too tired to tell it now, but suffice it to say that our little family is very tired and sore, but doing fine.

To Janice, to Roosevelt, to life, and to love,

Dan